Someone shit on the floor
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
