I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
