feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was confusing and full of hummus
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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