I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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