I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
