Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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