Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
