$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm too high and old for this...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
