he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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