Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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