I bet he comes in French.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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