I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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