I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
being pregnant is like rehab
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
