you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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