hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
