Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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