I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
