Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
