It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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