Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i've created a new STD.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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