I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
