Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
