I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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