the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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