In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
