Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
