Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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