Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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