so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
