there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
