If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
