If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
