you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
