There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
