TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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