Please, let me fuck your mom
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
