Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
