she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
