i think my tv is drunk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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