My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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