That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
