we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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