my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
