well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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