First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
