then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
