So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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