WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
