why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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