that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
