i love accidental penises.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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