you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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