This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
