Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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