Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
