if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
