She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
