The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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