just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
