is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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