I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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