good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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