I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
